VAKAYSHUN
TIME
Ahhhh, it be almost vaykayshun time agin. Did somebody say less head fo the Smokys?
Y'all
visit the Smoky Mountains on vacation one yarh and are so pleased at how nice
them folks in Gatlinburg, Pigeon Forge, Cherokee, etc. treat y'all as they
relieve y'all of all that weight in yo hard-earned poke, y'all suddenly have a
brain fart!! I know, that is dangerous, but we all have them thangs now
an' agin.
Anywho, durin' this lapse of yo sanity, yo Female Adult Supervisor [wife]
decides that y'all would just love to live in these heah mountains so y'all
start lookin' fo some land ¾ yo
own lil' piece of heaben.
Well since y'all awready be in tha Gatlinburg, Pigeon Forge area, y’all start
theah. After being revived with smellin' saltz when y'all swoon from
'sticker price' just for one building site on a rocky cliff, y'all's agent has
ah brain fart too. Yo agent say there just happen to be some land in the
next county over that is a steal and offers to take y’all to see it.
Do NOT go! Nebah let a Real Estate Agent take y'all to anothah county to
show y’all nothin' for sale, especially if y'all have been looking in a
RESORT area. Regardless of wheah y'all are doan do it! The real
estate prices are ridiculously high in the resort area, because there is a
resort there! Dependin' on wheah y’all be from, the land prices in the
resort area might seem like a steal compared to prices back home. The real
estate prices in the counties adjoin' a resort area are lower, much lower cauz
that resort area ain't in their county and neither are those ten million
tourists that clog up the place evah yeah and them folks doan want them
idjits cloggin' up their roads and drivin' up their property taxes either.
If yo agent is a rookie licensee, he/she is just probably as ignorant of market
value as y’all are, but if yo agent is a BROKER or has been in the business mo
than a yeah, they know what they are doin' and whut they be doin' is this - they
be tryin' to stick it to y'all. When they show y'all that cliff in the
next county that only cost $5,000 per acre when the same kinda cliff in the
resort county cost $15,000 per acre or maybe even $30,000 per acre, they
aint' done y'all no damn favor. Why? Because that $5,000 cliff
probably ain't worth $1,000, thass why. Why not, sayz you? They be
two different markets boy.
Regardless of wheah y’all find yo lil' piece of heaben that fronts on a
private road, insist on a copy of the plat map and a copy of the
owner's association rules as to who and how the s/d owners are liable foh
maintainin' the s/d roads, well, sewer system, etc. Talk to the local Tax
Assessor. Dependin' on wheah yo lil' piece of heaben is, they might call
it Property Assessor or instead of Assessor they might use Appraiser - cauz that
be all that office do anywho....they doan assess nuthin.'
This is especially important in the poh mountinous areas such as the southern
Applachians. Pay close attention to what kind of vehicle yo agent is
drivin' when he/she takes y'all to the property. If the agent is ah drivin'
a 4 wheel drive vehicle up the side of that mountain an yo wife looks ovah the
edge and damn near faints, y'all damn sho bettah own ah 4 wheel drive vehicle,
if y’all evah plan on seein' that site agin. If the road is a one lane
gravel/dirt road, take a good close look at it cauz thass the best it will
evah look. If the land isn't a part of an approved and recorded s/d,
y’all can sho rest assured the dirt and/or gravel private road into y'all's
land won't still be there when y’all return a couple of years later. It
will only take a couple of yeahs fo the mountain rains to wash it away. It
also means that y’all better practice up on drivin' back'ards fo when y’all
meet somebody comin' DOWN that same road. I say down, because the person
what is driving down has the right of way, don't ask why, it be tradition.
'Sides it is usually easier to back down a steep hill than it is to back up
one.
And if y’all fohgit about this heah wahn'n and a few yeahs from now y'all
decide ya best sell that piece of shit that y'all bought up heah in these
beeeyouteeful mountains cauz those one lane dirt roads were washed out and are
impassable. Plus y’all can't get the county to spend the
taxpayer's money ah fixin' yo upfuq because it ain't a county road and never
will be one. So y’all call an
agent in the same county as yo lil' piece of heaven about sellin' it, and the
agent [after they finally stop laffin'] say he ain't interested in tryin' to
sell yo lil' piece of shit. Whatevah
y’all do next, doan call me! But if y'all do call me, ah promise that ah
won't laugh befo ah gives y'all the bad newz. On the utter hand, if'un
y'all can't handle bad newz, doan call me atall.
Oh yeah, almost fogot. If'un ya igno this warnin' and let that agent
escort y’all to see land in the adjoin' county, don't be surprized if'un the
locals start usin' y'all fo target practice as y’all zoom past.
They're only doin' it cauze they hates y'all. Y'all bein' evahbody in that
damn car. Why? Because y'all be drivin' them poh mountain
folks’ land prices and taxes sky high, thass why?
They tried to kill one of the biggest land speculators in this county three times for that reason. One time they kidnapped him right off the county courthouse steps and had beat him half to death befo they were interrupted for some reason and he jumped out of that car whut was travelin' at a high rate of speed.
Another time I recollect they waited in the dark by his house and shot up everythang in sight when he pulled in his driveway. I guess the headlights waz in their eyez and thass whut saved his ass that time. That ole boy musta had nine lives.
Y'all dun gotchya fahr warnin'. Now come on up heah an' visit our mountains this heah summah. Ya heah?
Don "Val" Valentine
Brer Bear - Remember New York!