"Jerk and Smack It"
Mama Ponder, bless her lil' pea-pickin' heart, has about as much patience as a thirsty
hummin' bird. Ever watch
them mean little devils fight over ah feeder full of sugar and water? No
sharin' or waitin' in line for those little devils at least not the ones that visit us. I
tell you right now, ifun them lil' critters were the size of eagles, they would
rule this here whole world. If
Mama Ponder prayed to God for patience, her prayer would go something like this,
"Lord I know I need to have more patience. I would appreciate it if
you would send me some....and I mean right dadblame now!"
This lack of patience shows the most when that brain of Mama Ponder's starts ah
whirlin' and
ah kachunkin' on a new idea, which seems to happen about twice a day now. It doesn't seem to matter what
that there idea what she conjured up involves because to her, it is always very simple....."All you gotta do is jerk 'X' out of there and smack 'Y' in there." Time
required, material required, manpower required, and money required never seems
to squeeze its way into her brain to obscure her thoughts on the subject.
And if it is Mama Ponder's idea, it is always a great
idea, at least to her it is....and no amount of facts will sway that little lady
on that there subject either.
Well one day about 10 or maybe 15 years ago, I finally convinced Dorey....it seems to
be impossible for me to persuade two females to agree on any one subject at any
given time...that we should plant ground cover on the bank behind our house
instead of us mowin' that steep
booger. Dorey thought Blue Rug Juniper would be okay, so one pretty Spring
day we bought a pickemup truck load and spaced them about 1 plant every 4'
or so on that bank and staggered each row
like a checkerboard so they would have enough room to spread and mat. Now
this process takes two or maybe three growing seasons from start to finish.
Well sir, long before that first summer passed, Miss Patience was threatenin' to go out there and jerk
them silly plants out of there and smack some grass back down in its place.
The blame things weren't ah growin' nearly as fast as she thought they should.
We still had another steep bank that we wanted to do the same with the next year, but when
the next Spring rolled aroun' Mama Ponder pitched a hissy fit because she had a
better idea. She didn't want no more of that slow-growin' stuff so she went
along and she picked out some low growin' shrubs [forget the name right off].
They only grow about 2' high at most and spread out about 4'-5'.
Well, those things grew about the same rate as the juniper and that didn't
please Miss Patience, but nary a word to us did she say about that. After
all, that was her idea. Them shrubs grew and
grew until they had grown as much as they could grow and in the meantime the
Blue Rug Juniper had matted and looked neat, very few
weeds could sprout in that mess of juniper. But we had to weed in and
around those big shrubs from early spring to early fall on a regular basis. I was forced to use the
only thing I have learned about women to get Mama Ponder to come to her senses
and let us get rid of those things. I just stopped helpin' weed those big
bad boogers. I never spoke a word agin weeding aroun' them big green
boogers, I just always saw to it that I had something more important that had to
be done right then. You see if you always help, or most likely in my case do it ALL, a
woman will never come to grips with reality because she ain't the one that be
doing the sufferin'.
It still took a few years for reality to squeeze its way into Mama Ponder's brain, but it finally managed it. One day that brain of
hers started ah whirlin' and ah kachunkin' on that subject again and she lets us
know that she has decided that bank would look better if it
were all the same....Blue Rug Juniper. But, in true Mama Ponder
fashion it had to be done right dadblame now! I said I think we
["we" meanin' "me"] are gonna have a problem with movin' these big heavy shrubs all by our
lonesome. "Why," says she, "All you gotta do is jerk those
whatchamacallits out of there and smack these thingmajigs in the ground!
What's so dadblame hard about that?" Well, it took a while to explain
to her about my strength limitations and how long it was going to take to dig
those shrubs out to where I could get them in a wheelbarrow and move them to the
trash pile. So she finally relented and got Houston....one of our
neighbors....to bring his tractor down and pull them up.
That would save us about two weeks she figured.
Well ole Houston and his big tractor did the job alright, even with a
tractor it took almost one whole day to uproot and drag off those big boogers and the tractor tires tore up the grass sod and dug deep ruts
all over the yard, not to mention the ruts the shrubs made while it
was bein' drug along behind it. I suspected that ole Houston was
gettin' even with Mama Ponder for tryin' to drown him in front of God
and everybody. [Don't worry yourself about that story, I'll tell you about it
next time.] I had to wheel barrow dirt for another day just to
replace the dirt that went off with the shrubs. Then the next day I
spent plantin' the junipers and the next day puttin' down the mulch
and the next two days fillin' the ruts in the lawn and sowin' grass seed and
coverin' it with straw or old hay. So now when I smell Mama's brain ah
smokin'....that always happens when it's ah kachunkin' and ah whirlin' another idea....my eyes kinda go glassy-like and my stomach don't feel so good
because I know it is a lose-lose situation for me.
Now I know that a good rule of thumb to use in plannin' one of Mama Ponder's right-dadblame-now Jerk-and-Smack-Its is to allow at least one week to complete it and the rest of your life to nurture and maintain it.....that is if you do it to meet Miss Patience's standards of course.
Bless her lil' pea-picking heart.
Don "Brer Bear" Valentine
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