CRITTERS
Ah disremember tellin’ ya’ll about our critters. We’ve had ourselves ah buncha critters ‘roun here over tha years. Course most of them went in our skillet……with ah little help from Mama Ponder and myself. Some were pets, but ‘most all of them were pests. Seems like most ever critter we’ve had since we lost our dog Tiger has been brain dead, well ‘cept maybe Sissy. Them dadblame thangs should be tax deeductible. We’ve had dogs, cats, chickens, cattle, and ducks. Ah believe ah will start with our dogs.
Tiger stood ‘bout three feet high at his shoulders. He was tha biggest dadburn German Shepherd ah ever did see. Nobody set foot on our property unless one of us was between them and Tiger. Ol’ Tiger was very protective of our property and most especially of Mama Ponder. Ah reckon he thought that ol’ gal walked on water. He would foller ‘er ever step she made on this here property. If she walked next door, he would stop at our property line and sit and watch and wait for ‘er. If he could catch it, Tiger kilt anythang that wandered onto our property. ah reckon critters have ah way of markin’ ah place like that or passin’ tha word on ‘bout it ‘cause it wern’t long before no critters of any kind came anywhere near our property line. Never knowed ol’ Tiger to cross our property line, not once. He knew more ‘bout where our line is than that ol’ idjit that surveyed it for Mama and Dorey way back when. Buyin’ calves while we still had ol’ Tiger was an experience, but it didn’t take long for him to figure out he wasn’t supposed to be gnawin’ on them thangs. At least not until we had throwed it in tha skillet.
Mama Ponder also had ah very old small white Poodle. That idjit lap dog was so old he barked and growled at ever dadburn body and snapped at most any body part that came too close even if that body part belonged to Mama Ponder. Ah really didn’t care for that mutt and disremember its name now.
After Tiger and that worthless lil’ white mutt, our next dog was Sissy. Sissy was ah mongrel that weighed ‘bout thirty pounds when ah first brought ‘er home. ‘er long hair was pitch black ‘cept for ‘er throat and chest and tha tip of ‘er tail. ‘Cept for tha white spots, she looked like ah black lab that needed ah haircut real bad. Sissy lived on ‘er own for ah year or so before ah picked ‘er up and brought ‘er home one day. We had seen ‘er along tha highway just outside Newport several times and knew she didn’t have ah home. Ah started to pick ‘er up before ah did, but saw ‘er tits and knew she had ah litter of pups hid somewhere and she would probably never lead me to them so ah left ‘er until she had weaned them. Ah would stop every time I saw ‘er and give ‘er some dry dog food that ah kept in tha truck just for that purpose. Ah finally got ‘er right after we had tha coldest spell in recorded history….our thermometer showed 32 degrees below zero. Sissy had tha best personality you could want in ah pet dog. She was laid back and took everythang in stride. Ah got ‘er to fill tha void left by Tiger and that lil’ white mutt, but Mama Ponder fussed ‘bout it. She didn’t want ‘er. Well, really she didn’t want to get attached to ‘er that’s what it was. But she did. She grew to love Sissy even more than she had loved Tiger and that addle-brained little white mutt. Sissy enjoyed ridin’ in my truck more than ah did. Now ah grant you, if ah had long floppy ears and ah tongue even longer than my ears, ah think ah would have enjoyed hangin’ my head outta tha winder and lettin’ tha wind blow my hair and tongue as it dadblame well pleased ‘bout as much as dogs do.
Ole Sissy was one of the easiest goin’ dogs ah have ever known. Ah mean that ole gal was flat laid back. Tha only thang that got Sissy’s dander up were tha ground hogs and that ole banty hen and ‘er brood and come to think of it, she didn’t care for a dog pullin’ her ears even if just for fun. If Sissy spotted ah groundhog, she couldn’t resist tryin’ to catch that juicy lookin’ meal. She would dig down into that long fat booger’s hole until all we could see was tha white tip on tha end of ‘er tail. Never knowed ‘er to catch one though, but it weren’t for lack of try’n, I’ll tell you that much for sure.
Sissy got hit real bad by ah car. Worst injury was it broke one of ‘er front laigs real bad. We had tha vet fix ‘er up tha best he could, but years later tha pins he put in ‘er laig worked loose and she broke it too bad for them to fix that time. By that time she had developed heart problems and could hardly breathe so ah knowed she couldn’t get around a’tall if they cut off ‘er laig. So ah decided to let ‘er go. Ah would have done it right then, but tha problem was Mama Ponder and Dorey. That ol’ woman would’ve had ah heart attack if she knowed what ah planned to do and Dorey would have wanted to put it off like some miracle would happen soon and mend ‘er laig. So ah kept it to myself. Don’t you believe that foolishness that some idjits spout ‘bout tellin’ folks you love every thang. Most of them can’t handle tha real world as well as they thank they can. That very same day they planned to go to Dollywood, they were addicted to that place and bought season tickets every year. Ah hated to do it, but ah took Sissy back home and fixed ‘er ah pad to lie on until them women folks got all bunched up with them other females what were addicted to Dollywood and left. Soon as they left ah got tha shovel and went down in tha flat near tha house where Sissy loved to hunt field mice and dug ‘er ah real nice restin’ place. Ah even found ‘er ah nice large rock for a tombstone down in our creek. Then ah loaded ‘er back up and took ‘er back to tha vet and ah held ‘er and talked to ‘er so she wouldn’t be afraid while they did ‘er in. Damned wind snuk up on me right about then and got ah speck or two of sand or maybe a cinder in my eye. Had a heck of a time ah getin’ it out too. We had ole Sissy for thirteen years.
Just ah few months after ah brought Sissy home, Dorey brought another dog home. Duchess was tha same color and had almost tha same mark’ns as Sissy but she was smaller, better fed, and, well, if she wore pants, ah would have said she had ants in ‘em. At tha time, Dorey worked at Stokely Van Camp in tha Cannin’ Office. Quaker bought tha place to get tha rights to Gatorade, but they didn’t want to make their own cans so they closed tha cannin’ part. Duchey was ah stray and tha men that worked on tha cannin’ line adopted ‘er and made sure she was fed and had plenty of water. When tha cannin’ plant was closed, they talked Dorey into takin’ Duchey. Duchey couldn’t sit still for ah full sixty seconds. She was always into somethin’ and runnin’ every dadblame where. Duchey looked like ah black miniature Irish Setter. She sure had some kind of bird dog in ‘er that’s for sure. Her first day with us, she squeezed right into that big ol’ dog house I had built while Sissy was in it. Sissy didn’t make ah bit of fuss ‘bout that either.
Duchey was always aggravatin’ Sissy. She would grab Sissy by tha ear and hang on. Finally Sissy had enough of that. One day, Sissy growled, reached down and grabbed Duchey by one front leg and flipped ‘er onto ‘er back and grabbed ‘er by tha throat still ah growl’n. Duchey lay plumb still with ‘er big brown eyeballs tha size of golf balls and never made ah sound. Sissy never even broke tha skin with ‘er teeth and after she let Duchey loose, Duchey never again grabbed ‘er ear. Come to thank on it, Duchey never grabbed Sissy again anywhere. Ah reckon that Duchey decided it was more fun [and probably safer] to aggravate tha cattle. She didn’t chase them, she just stayed with them and every now and then she would grab one by tha tail and hang on while tha young steer bucked, kicked, and bawled like ah big baby. It was nothin’ to see ‘er sleepin’ laid up against one of tha cattle with ‘er head ah restin’ on their belly or laig or whatever body part was handy when they all rested in tha shade durin’ tha hottest part of tha day. Maybe she thought she was a calf.
Duchey would walk with me around tha pasture and one day I went into tha woods and she did also. She bounded on ahead sniffin’ everythin’ within ten yards of tha trail that looked interest’n. Then she bounded up tha trail and stopped dead in ‘er tracks. Slowly makin’ its way across tha trail was ah large turtle. Tha first one Duchey had ever seen. Duchey had long floppy ears and those floppy thangs stood straight up. She lept straight up in tha air ‘bout three feet and turned around and fled. She scooted behind me and peeked around my legs at that there strange lookin’ critter. Right then ah suspected that one of tha cattle had kicked that dog in tha head. Not long after that, Duchey ventured into tha woods alone. Our house is on the edge of a big deep wooded tract of land. Ah reckon there might be a thousand acres of woods there maybe. Suddenly Duchey dashed full speed outta tha woods. Dorey couldn’t figure out what was wrong, but she said Duchey’s long floppy ears were stuck straight out to the rear she was ah movin’ so fast. Ah few seconds later, outta tha woods at tha very same spot hopped ah rabbit and it hopped along right behind Duchey. Then ah knowed that dog had been kicked in tha head. What other kinda dog runs from ah dadblame rabbit? We only had Duchey ‘bout ah year. She was run over and ah buried ‘er in tha cattle’s favorite shady spot ‘cause she liked to be with them cattle so much. Duchey was lucky, she died real sudden like and didn’t suffer none.
Ah left Wendy in that box and carried her and a bag of puppy food a roundabout way to our storage buildin’ so Mama wouldn’t see me and ask what ah had in the box. Ah didn’t want to lie to her about it. It was insulated and dry in there so ah knew she would be warm as a bug in a rug and safe from stray dogs, coyotes and the pryin’ eyes of Mama Ponder. Ah had made a small house for the cats to sleep in outside, which they had never used. Wendy popped her ass right into that little house as soon as ah set it on the floor. Now ah had to make sure ah was the one to go get anythang out of the storage buildin’ that Mama Ponder might need. It was winter and Mama doan go outside much in the winter so ah figured ah had a good chance of pullin’ that off. Wendy didn’t like being left alone in the buildin’, and ah didn’t much blame her, but that was the best ah could do at the time. It had been a long time since ah had a puppy and this one was the most hyper dog ah had ever seen. Ah learned real quick that everythin’ we valued had to be up out of her reach because that lil’ mutt was into everthang that she could reach. It only took one lesson for her to learn to poop and pee on the newspaper instead of the floor. She was smart as a tack, but real high strung. Mama went out there once after ah had just cleaned up the newspaper and put fresh paper down on the floor. Ah had the food and water bowl hid out of sight, but where Wendy could reach it. As soon as that door handle squeaked Wendy dove into her little house and stayed there. She didn’t make a peep. Mama Ponder paid that lil’ house and the paper no nevermind so we were safe. We were lucky the paper was fresh and not messy. Ah don’t know how that pup knew to hide from Mama, but she did. Ah washed her good that first day and dipped her for the fleas. The next day or the day after that back into the box she went and we went to the vets for shots.
In September of 2003, ah went to visit my buddy Grady Varnes in Palatka, Florida for 4 or 5 days. Ah returned on a Monday. Sunday night a car had came down our road and the driver deliberately made its engine back fire the whole way by turning the ignition on and off. It scared Wendy so bad she hit the panic button and fled the premises. She still was missing when ah arrived home the next night. We searched and searched for her. We finally found her body in a ditch along Highway 107 about 50 yards from two country stores only about 1/4 mile from our home on Thursday. A car had hit her while she was trying to find her way back home. Ah buried her beside Duchey and Tigger on the hill behind our house.
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