Biltmore Gardens - West!

I been thinkin'.  Yeah, I know that's dangerous and not a part of my job description, but sometimes I just can't help myself.  Sometimes my gray matter just starts ah wigglin' and I don't seem to have much control over what happens after that.  Anyhow, I have decided that I am goin' to erect a toll gate on the entrance to our driveway.  I was goin' to erect two across Dry Fork Road.....one at each end of our property line where it corners in Dry Fork Creek which more or less parallels the road, but I figured the Cocke County sheriff might frown on that.  Since his jail is also already over-crowded and serves below average chow, I wouldn't want to put him out none on my account.

So I settled on not chargin' a fee to everyone that drives down that road and enjoys our beautiful gardens free of charge.  Maybe a couple of small donation boxes along the road mounted window high would bring in some cash.

Naturally the entrance fee would also include a guided tour of Biltmore Gardens - West.  The rest of the garden and the main house are over the mountain in Asheville, North Carolina.

I glance out of my bedroom window now and again and glare at my neighbor's yard.  Its flat!  That rascal only has one dadblame tree and two real low ground-huggin' evergreen juniper shrubs.  He don't weed-eat, rake, or push mow no mo'.  If our sheriff would just improve his jail conditions a mite, I think I might waddle my big ass down there and just shoot that ole boy the next time he straddles that big ass ridin' mower of his.   Flat!  What kind of yard is that anyway?  I mean no self respectin' hillbilly would have a dadgum flat yard.  What kind of fun can you have on a flat piece of ground anyway?  Hills are more fun.  The steeper the better.  You can lay in bed in the mornin' and watch your cows fall out of their pasture.  Them thangs roll real funny like.

If my toll gate and garden tour idea don't bring in enough money to hire a platoon of yard birds to maintain this place, I fully intend to bring charges against Mama Ponder and Dorey for White Slavery and I might throw in conspiracy to starve me just to make sure the FBI gets involved....even if they do always misplace all their paperwork.  That's some kind of abuse....by golly it just has to be.  I might just name my doctor as one of the damn conspirators come to think of it, he's the one that says we can't eat this and can't eat that and them damn women listen and obey like damned robots.

Since this conspiracy and my Springtime Honey-Do list has kicked off, I have already lost 7 pounds.  I'm not sure that I really lost it....maybe it just gravitated to my butt as that part of my beeeautiful bod seems to have been draggin' lately.  If a human bean leaves three tracks, somethin' has to be draggin', right?  I think I may be sufferin' from biscuit withdrawal.  That's a terrible fate....I heard tell that it drives a man plumb crazy.  I sure hope I don't have a terminal case of it.

Don "Brer Bear" Valentine

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