Life In Our Holler:
BONDING WITH MAMA PONDER
When
I married my Dorey back in 1983, we lived together with her mother,
Nelly Ponder, because their home was within a year or so of bein' free and clear
and Mama Ponder had just recently lost her husband, Elliot. I figured
what the heck, if the Waltons could do it, so could we. Besides, Mama
Ponder wasn’t about to leave there, she couldn’t live there alone, and Dorey
wouldn’t leave her alone like that after all those years ah livin' together and I
wouldn’t have wanted her to leave her mama in a fix like that either.
Howsumevah, I can tell you right now, I figure whoever it was that wrote
that story about them Waltons lied like crazy.
I have to tell you the first year or so was pretty doggone rough. Mama Ponder was hell to get along with. I couldn’t do anythang right. It seemed to me that she was down on me all day every day about somethin'. Every tool and piece of machinery regardless of its age or condition that wore out or broke since we began our life together was my fault. There wasn’t a doubt in Mama Ponder’s mind that I broke it or ruined it. Fur some reason, she acted as if she expected me to be the only perfect human being in the entire world. Now everybody knows that God never wanted anyone to be perfect in the first dadblame place. If God had wanted us to be perfect, She would have never invented lawyers, politicians, judges, police, jails, militaries, erasers, liquid paper, laws, and critics just to name a few reasons that I know good and well that perfection was never intended.
Mama Ponder never once ‘asked’ me to do something, she always ‘told’ me to do it. She still does. If patience and common courtesy were both liquids, Mama Ponder wouldn’t have enough liquid to fill a thimble when it comes to dealin' with Dorey and me. fur some strange reason she treats us like we are still five year old kids.
Meanwhile, I was ah tryin' to treat her the way I wanted to be treated. Let me tell you right now, all that psycho-babble business is as worthless as tits on a boar hog when it comes to Mama Ponder’s relationship with her son-in-law. It flat don’t work. Also ‘ye shall reap what ye sow’ is an alien concept to Mama Ponder. I reckon that part of the bible might as well be wrote in Greek.
After about a year or so
of tryin' my idea of psychology [which turned out to not be so dadburn
practical], I reached the limit of my patience with that ol' rascal.
I decided our relationship needed a big change.
I finally decided that my Lil’ Napoleon [Mama Ponder] needed a tad of
humility to mellow her soul. You
would think that a 69-year-old woman would have learned a little humility in all
that time, but this one hadn’t. She
had been the family drill sergeant and no one had apparently challenged her
position of authority
at least not yet, but Mama Ponder had never dealt with an enlisted man
before either. And as all officers
learn sooner or later, enlisted men are devious critters.
So I commenced to plot ag'in her….and it sure felt good.
I mean after all, a
fellow just can’t take an object what has a sharp beveled edge and hack up his beloved wife's mother
and feed the parts to the pigs. I mean after all, the woman you love loves her and would absolutely
pitch a regular hissy fit over somethin' like that.
Besides, I figured the judge would also most likely take a dim view of
such antics. Howsumevah, if I had
recorded our home life on video that entire first year, I believe I could have
gotten off with a $10 fine and court costs, but I hadn’t been that smart.
So I reckoned my revenge had to be a
tad more subtle than that, besides I couldn’t afford a criminal lawyer
anyway. Then it dawned on me how I
could get satisfaction and maybe heal my abused ego. I would short-sheet that mean ole rascal! The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea and
the more I giggled. I never giggle,
in fact when I was a kid I hated to be around giggly girls, but at that
particular time I kinda liked giggl'n.
Up to this point, Mama Ponder had led a sheltered life….she had never been forced to share the same bedroom, bathroom, and shower with 50 other women like men in the military did. Nor had she had to put up with the antics and pranks that naturally occur in such groups. She had never even been to a summer camp or even camped out overnight. Mama and Dorey looked at me out of the corner of their eyes quite a bit prior to me commitin' my evil deed. They couldn’t figure out why I was ah gigglin' so much. Like I said before, I never giggle. I knew all that gigglin' was suspicious, but I just couldn’t seem to help myself. Except fur that, I waited real patient-like fur the perfect opportunity to strike.
It wasn’t long before
my chance came. I figured that fur at least two or three days after her lesson in humility Mama Ponder just might pitch
a non-stop hissy fit. That being
the case, I chose Friday night fur my D-Day.
I figured if push come to shove and shove come to pow, I could always
jump in my pickemup truck and go visit my buddy Grady in Florida.
A hasty retreat seemed to me to be the best solution and that would set
something straight between me and Mama Ponder...about
half of Interstate 75 and the entire State of Georgia.
Come Friday, while Mama Ponder and Dorey were preparin' supper, I slipped
into Mama’s bedroom and set my trap. Now
all I had to do was wait fur the prey and giggle some more.
Now fur you pampered
folks that don’t have the foggiest idea what ‘short-sheet’ means, I’ll
help you out a tad here. To short
sheet a bed, first you remove the bed spread, pillows and blanket or quilt.
Next, you undo the top sheet from the mattress and spin it around so the
head of the sheet is at the foot of the bed and then you flip it over so it lays
upside down. [Just stay with
me and you will see why shortly.] Now,
pull the foot of the top sheet up towards the head of the bed far enough so you can
tuck it in and make the hospital corners so the foot of the top sheet looks like
it is the head of the "bottom" sheet that you lie on and it conceals the real
bottom sheet which is still on the mattress.
Then you fold the head of the top sheet back up towards the head of the
bed so the it looks like everthang is normal, but it ain't.
Did I lose you? This creates
a very shallow envelope over the bottom sheet.
Replace the quilt and pillows and the trap is set.
When your prey throws
back the quilt and sheet and crawls into bed like they normally do, what they
are really doing or at least tryin' to do is crawl down into that very shallow envelope,
but there is
no room fur their legs. The fun
part comes when they try to straighten out their legs.
Many a drunk GI has come back to the barracks from a night on the town
drunker than a skunk
and wrestled with that short sheet until they pushed both feet right through the
sheet!
All I had to do then was wait fur bedtime and Mama Ponder always went to bed first. When Mama Ponder was finally in her housecoat and pajamas and headed fur bed, I tippytoed down the hall to her door and listened until I heard her start to crawl between them sheets. I returned to the family room and motioned fur Dorey to follow me and to keep quiet. Dorey had no idea what was about to happen. When I heard Mama just gruntin' and ah mumblin', we peeked around the corner so I could really enjoy my revenge. Well sir, there sat Mama Ponder with her head almost between her knees just ah yankin' on that top sheet and ah tryin' her level best to force that sheet to straighten out properly so she could straighten out her legs like they were supposed to be. She would struggle fur a spell and then just sit there and glare at that sheet with them little chickapinny eyes from between her 69-year old bony knees. I would have given a pretty penny fur a picture of the expression on Mama Ponder’s face right then. I broke out ah laughin' so hard tears ran down my cheeks. Dorey still didn’t know what was goin' on and was just as puzzled as Mama Ponder, but not quite as frustrated. Dorey had also led a sheltered life, but that was before she married an enlisted man. I figured she would toughen up over the years to come. When I could finally get somewhat in control of myself, I told them what I had done. That’s when Dorey commenced to heehawin' her ownself. I swear I thought the woman was about to have a stroke. Mama hadn’t laughed yet. What I had done still hadn’t dawned on her. I reckoned she was still tryin' her level best to understand what I had done, but of course she may have been in a state of shock. Dorey and I made Mama Ponder’s bed fur her while that little rascal stood right there and supervised to make sure it was made the right dadburn way after all that dadburn man can't do nothin' right.
Much to my surprise, I never heard a word about that prank from Mama Ponder......not one word in all these years. Let me tell you what, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I was kindly disappointed too because I had really planned on spendin' a few days eatin' seafood, ah drinkin' beer and maybe ah little bourbon and coke too, and ah shootin' the breeze with my big buddy in Palatka, Florida.
Mama Ponder and I got along with each other much better after that also.
In fact, I’m her favorite son-in-law now.
I know that’s a fact because I’ve heard her tell folks that several
different times. Come to think of
it, I’m her only son-in-law.
So guys, if you’re ah
havin' trouble with your Mother-in-law….short-sheet her!
It works wonders. Trust me.
However, no warranties come with this recommendation so don’t come ah
cryin' to me ifun you end up lookin' like you tried to stuff a wet noodle up a
wild cat’s butt.
In all sincerity, as far as I'm concerned, when I got Mama Ponder fur a mother-in-law, I got the pick-of-the-litter. Fur the past 18 years now Mama Ponder has been more of a mother to me than my own late mother was. Of course I really didn’t want motherin' now, but I got it anyway. Now, I dread the thought of losin' Mama Ponder. Heck, I wouldn’t have anyone to argue with. If Mama Ponder wasn’t here and there would be no more lil' fried apple pies either come to think of it....well, I reckon you got my point.
Don "Brer Bear" Valentine
WARNING DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK, IT INCLUDES ONLY FAKE EMAIL ADDRESSES TO COUNTER SPAMMERS